Should Have

I chew on your words till the taste is no longer there—till the love seeps out my eyes—swollen and hollow in ways I didn’t know could. I feel you slip away from the core of my throat—the heart I choke on. I feel my insides drop at random moments throughout the day—I forget my reality. Sometimes I crave the solitude of my bed and for my eyes to close so I may silence my pain. But I’m reminded that it’s the silence that causes the pain—I whisper to myself, good night my love. I wonder when I’ll stop wishing you goodnight. Will I ever hear such words cross your lips again?

I want to pull myself away from whatever remains—which is very little now. I want to cry in ways I never thought I could and I want to scream out words I never thought I’d say. I want to bring about a fierce rage that I never thought I could muster. But my limbs and words are all but stunned parts that be.

I would have held you tighter on the days I thought I never lose you. I would have kissed you longer on the goodbyes, not realizing the last one was coming. I would have written something more beautiful had I known it would have been the last.

I would have said I love you, one last time had I known I’d never be able to say it again. I would have captured every breath of affection you brushed upon my skin, had I known I’d go without them for so long.

Time tempt me to do things I never thought I’d do. May it pass in such a way I won’t feel it—don’t give me the chance to ponder things I know I shouldn’t do.